I think I want to make this a more often type of thing…

I flex from one minute to another – I’m either miserably lonely or miserably content. I know that seems like more of the same on either end of the spectrum…but like…it’s not?

I mean it is. Yeah, I get it. I just feel one at least lets me be a little better off than the other. I’ve positioned myself in scenarios that don’t help my cause though. I’ve talked at length about my issues in my past posts but like, I’m never one to fix the things I know need fixing. I’m stuck between the now and the later – the meantime I hear it’s called.

The meantime is the point in life between two significant events. It’s a beautiful sentiment, really. That the lull we sometimes feel is there to break up the excitement of life changing circumstances because we need a break from the blood rushing life alterations to keep us…

Honestly, I’m bullshitting. My gripe is that while I think the idea behind the word and the in-between moments of our lives are still beautiful in their own rights…when should we be expecting these significant events? How long does the meantime last? What if that significant event never comes? Or worse, it came and we missed it? The latter makes me worried that I missed out on something that needed to be commemorated, that needed to be given attention. And I guess I’m asking for too much right now – I JUST graduated college, JUST started a new job not 6 months ago. Those are both significant life events…but I guess my question is when will I feel like I’ve made it? When will I feel like I’ve become the person I’m supposed to be?

I ask this every post it feels, and I never talk myself into realizing that maybe I am that person. Maybe I am the person I’m supposed to be, but I just don’t let myself be that person. I said it last time even. How do I fix that? How can I be comfortable enough to be myself for everyone?

I sometimes think I need to move away to find what I’m looking for. I’m so dead set on wanting to stay in this house…I’ve convinced myself that this is what I want – to live in and take care of the house that my family has called home since 1988. The only family to have called it a home actually. I’ve lived, laughed, and loved in this home. I watched family come and go in this house; watched them wither away, take their last breaths, mourn, grieve, love each other, argue, get arrested…however a family exists in this world, we’ve done in this very spot. For 35 years. But, my wonder is…what if I’m not supposed to stay? What if the answer to my miserable loneliness, my miserable existence and my introspective want to find myself isn’t in this place? What if I’m supposed to move to a new place…far away…away from the people who know me and have certain expectations of me?

I can’t help but get happy at the thought of starting over somewhere new. I know what it means for me…leaving friends, family, love interests…the whole 9. But even still, I think about it and I get a little…I don’t know, excited I guess. I mean, the likelihood of it happening is slim to none. I’m not anywhere near confident enough to leave my comfort zone yet. As an educator I still have so much to learn about not being bad at my job and the schoolboard schedule is WAY too good to not have again. But…I sometimes wish I could get back to wanting to do what I’ve always wanted to do, which is write for a living. Imagine running a column that allows me to put my words into something others are also passionate about? To grow an audience and connect with people just by using my words and by creating content? Ugh…that makes me hopeful.

I’m stuck in this position where I feel like I need to be happy I got into a career that can and will sustain me for however long I want to do it. But at the same time…being an educator wasn’t ALWAYS a dream of mine. I decided on it BECAUSE of the sustainability of it, and because it made sense since I was always working within music education anyways. But…my dream is still and will always be to create things: compositions, stories, videos, films, speeches…art. To create all art. That’s what I’ve always wanted, and I just settled for the most definite path.

And maybe I need to stick to that path while I can save up money and start a life for myself. But if I could find a job that does both? Sustain and fulfill that passion? I mean…come on.

I don’t know what it is I’m meant to do…but I feel like I’m meant to connect with others outside of myself more than I do now. While being socially anxious, I tend to be a people person…I have a way of connecting that seems to make sense for me. I feel like my words help people, or at least they can. Or I feel like I have a way them anyways…words I mean. And people for that matter.

Or maybe I don’t…but I don’t know. I’m rambling at this point.

I think I just wanted to write some more tonight and this was a stream of consciousness kind of post. I’ll revisit these thoughts at a later date. Until then…I’ll just ponder more and more.

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