What can I say about 2022 that hasn’t been said already? Did this year suck? No. Actually, it didn’t. I graduated college, started a new career, achieved something that hadn’t been done before in the activity that I work so hard to be recognized in…despite having road blocks the whole way. To give myself some credit, I’ve done some pretty good things for myself.
So, it’ll come as surprise then when I say this next part: why doesn’t it feel that way? Why do I feel like I’m leaving 2022 the same way I went into it?
Last December I confessed my feelings for a girl I had gotten close with over the course of the 2021; one I had thought was perfect for me and one I had felt was in a place that could recognize that the relationship she was in previously wasn’t good enough for her and that I was maybe worth checking into. Whelp, now look at me. Same story, same setting, different year.
I realize that this type of blogging isn’t indicative of the age I should be acting. LOL. As if that matters I suppose. I don’t know.
I guess my biggest complaint with myself is that I feel too much. I say it a lot these days, but it’s my dad’s fault. And it doesn’t help I was raised by women. I mean, I think that actually does give me a leg up? Again, I don’t know. I need therapy. I need help understanding everything that is wrong with me.
I’m sitting at my house on New Year’s Eve raging about not being wanted by a singular person when frankly she isn’t worth being upset over? Like…I’ve done NOTHING but question my own self worth since being interested in her, but when I think about it what has she done to deserve my attention and the best parts of me? We’ve established that we are friends…she says best friends. But, how does that work? I feel like I’m an after thought in her life most times. And honestly…that shouldn’t even be a big deal considering the precedent we’ve set up for ourselves. I’ve confessed my feelings and she’s remained constant – we’re just best friends.
These issues are mine and mine alone. I take it out on her and others because I’m incapable of getting over feelings because I’ve been taught my entire life that it’s OK to have them. That it’s OK to feel them and to keep feeling them. The more I allow myself to feel them, the stronger they get.
But I know she isn’t the one who deserves me. She’s not the one I’m going to end up with. At least…I’m pretty sure. If I have to put this much effort into just being a thought in her head, then I know she isn’t the one I’ll be crazy for in a year. At least if history has taught me anything.
My issue is that I’m so desperate for love. I consider all of the things I’ve accomplished this year and none of it seems to matter without having someone to share it with. I’ve fallen away from my faith because I’m terrified of the answer I think God has for me. And I feel that by not going to church I can circumvent His plans. I know that’s ridiculous. I can’t hide from what He wants, and I can’t think that what I want is at all important in the grand scheme of things. I’ve just been praying and begging for the right one to come along – for God to pair me with someone who loves me and will be with me and will treat me the same way I treat these other girls that come into my life – as if I’m the only option for them. As if I’m the most important person in the room at any given time. And I get so angry thinking about it not happening.
My friends also make the joke that maybe I was meant to be a priest; my love of theology and philosophy sometimes lead me to think it wouldn’t be that farfetched of an idea. But then I get sad…I WANT love. I WANT a wife, kids, the suburban lifestyle – I want to LOVE and be LOVED. My life will never seem to be complete or happy without it.
I say that because the majority of my life isn’t terrible, honestly. I mean, yes, I have a lot of things I have to get over trauma wise, a lot of things I have to face in terms of relationships within my family and with my friends. But even though I know that things are going sort of well, my biggest hang up is that I ALWAYS feel lonely. All of my depression seems to stem from that idea. I don’t sit down at this computer to write without my loneliness leading me to the thoughts I have – the darkness stems from an idle mind. This new girl staved it off for a good bit…but now? It’s worse than before. Because I’m reminded how not good I am, how no matter the connections I thought I had with this person, I’m still not good enough to be with them. And I know she said it had nothing to do with that…but how can I not think about it that way?
I wish I knew where this chain of thought stemmed from. I really do. Cause then maybe I could fix it on my own, help myself understand how to get better at being me…allow myself to just find the confidence I need in everything I do.
Maybe that should be my resolution – to just be me. No better, no worse – just me. I could do it I guess. For all of my self-deprecating tendencies and the constant abuse I put on myself, I know I’m a great person and a catch for all intents and purposes. I offer a lot to a lot of people…I just need to allow myself to not give a shit what my worth is to other people. If they don’t see it, that’s on them. I wish I could get her to see it…but if it’s not meant to be, I have to find a way to accept that.
So new year new me…no…just me. New year…and me just being the person I’ve become. No better or worse…just me.
Life and it's Musings 