I’m still alive. Which I guess is a feat really. Millions of people die everyday so…the fact that I haven’t means something good is happening. I haven’t posted in forever because I’ve just been busy – no other reason really.
I should’ve been posting all the time. I’ve needed so many writing sessions over the last few months that it’s not even funny. I feel…stuck? I guess. Or like I’m floating; floating where isn’t something I know though. It’s more like I’m just in a spot that I guess is OK…but is definitely not where I want to stay. It’s not in relation to a physical location, I’m actually happy with my living…well decently happy. More of like a spiritual/mental location.
I’m beating around the bush – let’s talk about HER. That’s the reason I came here isn’t it? The only reason I even think about writing or expressing myself. I can’t say things to her…otherwise I’d be crossing boundaries that we’ve apparently established, which would push her away…which would honestly crush me.
I have to ask myself this question a lot: is she worth it? The answer to that question is that I don’t know. Is she worth questioning my own self worth for? Is she worth being miserable when she doesn’t contact me or when she discusses the guys she’s been talking to? I don’t know. But sometimes I feel that’s the beauty of new feelings? That maybe I’m supposed to not know where I stand in her hall of…feelings? That was a bad metaphor. Is that a metaphor? Doesn’t matter.
I find myself torn between wanting to take a chance with how I feel and not wanting to lose this relationship that we’ve established. She’s so much fun to talk to; to be around. I can be open with her and I feel like I can be my WHOLE self. I often hide sides of myself in order to not be confronted with opposing ideologies…a lot of friends remain on far sides of certain spectrums and in my need to please everyone, I find it exhausting trying to fit into each mold I’ve crafted for myself. But I don’t feel that with her. My only bit of censorship is in not being able to say things to her that I really want to…
“You look beautiful”, “I love your laugh”, “I like seeing you smile…”
I sit at an impasse – I could move on, find someone who feels for me the same I feel for her…but how fair would that be? Unrequited feelings would keep me from truly being with that other person. Because they will never be HER. SHE’S who I want to be with. But if I stay, I compromise my pride and ego to be her emotional support animal when she finds someone that does for her what she does for me. I’m not a prideful person for the most part. At least I try not to be – there are always aspects of my life that I DO take pride in, but in my own existence and in the case of allowing others to be happy…I don’t. I never do.
Happiness to me is existing in a place that allows me to connect unabated with those around me. If I truly want the things that make me happy…that doesn’t happen. I cut people out of parts of my life that I don’t ever want to lose. I’m not good with that idea. Again, people pleaser. I don’t even know what that stems from. I mean, I could blame my mother’s death on a lot of things, and that could be a big proponent. I lost it so early that maybe I don’t like the idea of other friends or loved ones leaving me while they still exist. If I can help it, I want to keep people in my life that mean something to me. Case in point…HER. She means so much at this point. I can’t even explain it – I just get so happy when I see her name come across my phone, when she sends me snapchats, when she reaches out. To hear what she truly feels about me is nice…even if it’s not in the intensity that I feel it towards her. She’s honestly a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t imagine her NOT being around me at this point.
But therein lies the problem – if she never sees me in the way that I see her, how do I navigate that? How do I move on from someone who seems so perfect to be with? And listen, I understand no one is perfect. I get that – she has flaws and I have flaws…people are people. But…maybe it’s this early phase that seems so great, but I could spend every minute of every day with her, and I don’t think I’d get sick of her. All I want from her is her company…her laughs, her conversations. I want her and her heart. Everything else is a non-factor. I don’t know if any of this is in the cards for us or if it’s even in the cards for me…but with the amount of time we spend together, it still gives me hope.
I often wonder what my purpose is in life and if God even has plans for me to find love. I grew up around the idea that happiness is finding love and sharing a life with someone you hold special. I have my dad to blame for that. He was a sap and a sucker for romanticism. I don’t know how he held onto such a pure heart from the grief he experienced. But he filled my head with talks of finding THE ONE. THE woman that would come out of nowhere and make me feel like I never knew any other woman in my entire life. That’s not HER. At least, that’s not how this feels. It feels like I found an old friend and we started a relationship on a sprint. An exhilarating, fast paced, laughter filled sprint.
But am I meant for that? Am I meant to find the one that makes me better and makes me feel special and appreciated and loved? Or am I meant to be alone? Am I meant to not find that love? I feel like I have so much to give the person I end up with…but what if that person doesn’t exist? If God puts us in the places we are meant to be in, then why wouldn’t He also put the people we are meant to connect with there also? Is this girl…this woman…not the one I’m supposed to be with? Then why does it feel so good when I am around her? Why am I the happiest I have been in a long time when she’s in the same room as me, treating me like I’m wanted around…like I’m meant to be there with her? What does any of this mean?
I sometimes think I’m delusional. Not in the personal sense…but in the outwardly relationship sense. Like how people perceive me and my role in their lives. Most of the time when I feel delusional I remind myself that I’m nothing to anyone. I answer delusion with further delusion. Or is it? Am I delusional in thinking that people hold me in high regard, or that nobody needs me? Am I delusional in thinking that I’m inconsequential, or that I’m needed? Am I needed? I often think I’m not…that my life, or rather the people within it, can run smoothly without me. That I’m replaceable in this world of infinitely more qualified people. More qualified to do my job, to be better friends, to be lovers…more qualified to take care of the people who need taken care of in my life. I’m a hinderance…a self serving freeloader that doesn’t offer any extra substance to those who need it in my life. I do things that better my standing with those in charge of me and with those around me so they don’t think I’m worthless or unnecessary.
I know this thinking is…loathing to say the least.
I’m not the best with self love. Rather, I don’t do it enough to be good at it. I can feel myself one second, but realize that I’m not the person I wish I was.
I think of my life as a journey to become the person I’m supposed to be, while disregarding the person that I am at any given time. I hate myself now, I hated myself then…why would I love myself in the future? It’s hard to accept my place in this world when I can’t accept my existence in my own head. Maybe my realization about this girl…this woman that I so deeply feel for, is that no matter what happens with her, I still won’t be happy happy. I’ll find momentary happiness because she truly is great for me…but I’ll still look in the mirror and question how anyone could ever love me. I’ll still question how I can be truly happy when I can’t even let myself enjoy the SIMPLEST things. I don’t love myself, how can someone else break through that barrier to love me separately? Confidence is hard to find these days for me…and I don’t know how I can feel it when I’ve never had it.
This woman I feel so many things for has never said a bad word about me, but in my lowest form and mood, I think she says nothing BUT bad things. I have no evidence to support this, but I’ve convinced myself that the reason for her not feeling the same ways about me that I feel about her is because I must be broken…unrepairable. That there is nothing good about me that she can latch onto. None of this is true…or at least I don’t think it is. But again…what do I know?
I started this whole post to talk about new feelings for a person that appeared into my life without me even acknowledging it until it slapped me in the face. But after a drive and a session of self-loathing, I find myself at the same fork in the road that all of my other posts allude to – how am I ever going to feel whole again when I can’t allow myself to be myself without beating myself up? I used to think that being self-aware was a gift of mine; knowing the things that catch me up about myself and that I need to work on SHOULD be a gift. But instead it’s ammunition…reminders of my short comings and failures. A reminder that I’m not a complete person and that I perhaps won’t ever be. This self-awareness is something that turns me into a bully that only attacks himself…constantly putting myself down until I convince myself that the world sees me the same way I do.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a fix for this…I need help. Professional help. Not a blog, not a self-talk in my car on my way to look at Christmas lights…I need someone who can pinpoint why I can’t let myself be myself in all aspects of life. Why I pick and choose who I am at any given time. Why I can’t understand my past trauma truly, and why it still defines me. Why I can’t get over people who don’t give me the same amount of attention I give them…or why I can’t recognize when I’m losing myself in something that will break me. Why I can’t just love the person I was and the person I am and instead idolize the person I could be. The person I could be wouldn’t be the person I could be without the other two having existed.
I leave this post the same way I came in…clueless to what I have to do or who I have to be. And to think…all of this started because of a girl. Funny.