Remember when I said I wanted to make blogging and podcasting a normal occasion?
L O L
I mean hey, it happens. Especially with me. I wish I could say I was doing better things, or super busy making a life for myself. But alas…that’s not the case. Well, not entirely. I mean, maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe I have been, but I’m just so hard on myself…I have such high expectations for my creative output that me not utilizing free time to do something with it just feels…you know. Bad. I guess. I don’t know…and that’s the point of this blog. To write until I do know. It happens more than you realize actually.
I guess I could catch every one person who reads this up with my life details. I’m still in school, still at my job, still single and miserable about that, still contemplating on future projects every day of my life, but I’m better. Like life doesn’t seem to be bad, or at least not as bad as it used to seem. I don’t know why. I mean, I guess I just don’t think about it, which maybe means it’s going alright. But honestly, I can’t tell you it is or isn’t better, it just doesn’t feel bad lately. I don’t feel sad, and generally I feel OK. I get upset every now and then, but other than that, it just seems normal.
That’s an improvement I think. Not think. I know it’s an improvement. Life often feels like it’s just one task that flows into another…constantly trying to figure out what to do one moment to the next, never getting to relax and consider the things I’ve brought myself out of and places I’ve prepared myself to go. But I think now is a time to do just that. A lot of people have found themselves well before I have – well seemingly found themselves. They put up pretty good facades, if I’m being honest. I’m constantly telling family members that life isn’t a race, and there’s no universal destination for us to reach by certain times. But hell, I never listen to that myself…I just constantly judge myself based on other’s achievements and timelines. I used to think that if I hadn’t gotten into the film industry by 26 (the age that Ben Affleck won his Oscar for Good Will Hunting) I would be a failure.
Jokes on me, I’m 32 and feel OK about it.
Point is…I’ve grown exponentially since the last time I checked myself. Even if that last check was yesterday, I’ve grown. I grow daily…we all do. That’s the point of the passing of time. I guess. I think. I don’t know…I don’t know much actually. But, that’s also part of the point…I’ve grown to accept that I won’t ever have an answer to life and its path and process or its plans. And that’s…OK.
It’s all OK. I’ll be 33 when I start my official teaching career – but I’ll have almost 16 years of practice before doing it. I’ll probably be 37 or 40 before I reach a point in life where I’ll be comfortable enough financially to own a house. And maybe in the meantime I’ll have enough security to start personal projects that make my life feel meaningful. All of that is OK. I feel like I’ve spent the majority of my life putting off doing anything of substance because it won’t give me instant gratification – no instant success, no instant fortune. And because of that, I’ve become what I’ve become.
But the kicker is…I am who I am, and I’m OK with it. For the most part. I still hate how I haven’t centered my focus on my health and becoming not diabetic and not self-conscious about my looks. But, when it comes to my thought process and the person I am…I’m doing alright.
So I guess the point of this was to reassure myself that I’m OK. That I’m almost done with school, almost ready to begin a life and career that I’m happy with, almost ready to be independent. I feel like my time is coming…that my glow up is inevitably around the corner.
I’m sorry. I’ve never used the term glow up before but it felt like it was apropos. It seems so unlike me, but I’m gonna leave it. It adds to the word count. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from school it’s that fluff creates pages of content in otherwise daft research papers.
If there’s any message to take from this entry in my life’s journal, it’s that things don’t stay gloom for too long. Time moves, life continues, and the things that hold us back at certain avenues in our lives are but blips in the full scope of our existence. You have overarching pains and losses – but the micro hiccups we experience come and go. I’m realizing that I’m in a better place mentally than I originally thought I was, and it makes me hopeful. I’m sure in a week something will nutcheck me back into oblivion, but I’ll remember this feeling and know it’ll last a microsecond in the grand scheme of things.
I’m thankful for an outlet like this to escape to every once in a while. I know I don’t have a lot of readers…if any. And that’s OK, I’m just happy to relieve some nonsense onto a blank canvas. Those who do read this get a good glimpse of who I am, and I’m happy that you do. I know this isn’t a gift that a lot of people have – the ability to just write and think and put thoughts and feelings to paper. I was blessed with that ability, and I’m thankful for having this outlet. Who knows where I’d be if I’d have to internalize everything and bottle things up. It’s easy to say “wouldn’t be here” but I know I would be, I’d just be a terrible person for it. I have the ability to regulate my moods by talking about them and my mental health is better for it, which means my relationships with people are better for it, and my relationship with myself is getting there because of it.
What I mean to say is…things could be better, they could be worse, but right now…they’ll do.
Life and it's Musings 