Well hello there.
I’m back already. I figure I can work on myself the more I allow myself to sit behind a computer and write about things. It clears my head, reminds me why I enjoy it so much. Why I like feeling this way…this disconnected from life but somewhat connected to things outside of myself.
None of that may make sense, and I think that’s OK. At least…maybe it is. I couldn’t tell you what’s OK or not OK, or if I’m even OK to begin with. I work to be…strive to be. But, it’s all relative really. I feel fine but maybe I’m not, and I feel like it’s honestly OK to not be right now. This past weekend we celebrated the life of another family member lost way too soon…a woman who acted as another mother to me, watching over me during the times in my life that I most needed guidance. And I didn’t always listen to her, or seek her guidance out…but she was there. Through every holiday, every family event…she showed up and let me know I didn’t have to be alone. Ever.
And honestly…I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I have a large collection of people who never let me feel alone, or unloved. And that’s such a blessing.
Sometimes it feels like a curse. And this is where I start to sound ridiculous: as if having a backing of friends and family who allow me to feel needed and wanted and constantly loved is at all a burden. And yeah, writing out that way does make me seem ridiculous, but it also needed to be said, because I invalidate my feelings so often because of it. Because I recognize the areas that don’t make sense in my head and stop myself from feeling things even though I do need to feel things in order to outgrown them…to leave them behind. Instead they sit bottled up and I say to myself “why do you feel like this when you could call literally any person in your phone and have them around to not let you feel this way?”
And that kind of thought process is what hurts me the most. It hurts true understanding and growth I think. Like, have you ever been mad for no reason? Or sad for no reason? You sit back and ask yourself “why? Why do I feel like this?” And the more you ask, the more you realize it’s for no reason and you shut it down. And you could say “yeah, that’s good. You shouldn’t be upset for no reason.” And sure…I guess that is only logical.
But we’re not logical all the time; sometimes we experience emotions we don’t quite understand…no rhyme, no reason…just emotion. And man…sometimes I just revel in those. I NEED those moments. I feel so numb all the time, so disconnected from the world at large…but those moments of raw emotion untethered to any real experiences remind me that I have the capacity to feel things.
And maybe I shouldn’t say “untethered”…because there is that one law of thermodynamics right? That energy is constant…that it can’t be created or destroyed but rather just transferred in it’s original state. If we think about it that way, maybe these random spurts of emotional baggage are transferences of previously stored emotion…things we need to transfer away from us in order to syphon new and healthier energy into our minds.
You could kind of say this is the same as confessing sins…the stain of which remains constant, stored in our souls until we transfer that burden to a priest, who then transfers that to God who converts that energy into grace.
We carry these sort of burdens with us as we move through life, and we just hope that when that stored energy returns to us, it’s returned in ways that we can handle. The comeback is inevitable, and I just hope these spurts of depression or anger aren’t meant to be anything but spurts of energy just seeking a transfer.
So, what’s the point of all of this? I don’t know. I say it often, I’m never sure what my points are when I start writing…I just write. I let myself explore my thoughts as they come to me in order to hopefully make sense of them as they are written down and processed onto this website…and now podcast I guess. I find that speaking the words I write make me sound so much more intelligent at times. I mean…I think everyone feels that way when they actually plan out what it is they are going to say. But, honestly at the end of the day…I do this stuff to help myself remember how things are, so that if and when they are the same in the future I can read or listen to these posts and remember that I’ll get through the next thing too.
My whole life has felt like a wasted opportunity…I look back on so much regret and just wish I had started this process of giving my thoughts a true voice sooner. Talking, even though I’m decently introverted, brings me contentment…maybe even makes me happy. I enjoy this process…I wish I could speak on other things…but lately these types of entries are all that speak to me. And you know what? That’s OK. I want to do it…and frankly…I need to as well.